Lost then Found
by Kenji Katan
Summary: This is a stroy of Heero and Duo after the war and the lives they tried to construct together. However, not all is as it appears to be as Heero continues on in self hatred. Happy ending though!


Title:                       Lost, then Found

Pairings:                 2x1

Ratings:                 R

Disclaimers:           I don't own anything.  Not Gundam Wing or any of it's characters.  Anyways, don't sue I am superbly poor!  And please review, this is my first time posting and I want to know what you guys think….I am unsure so if you want more, I need to know.

Notes:                    Major OOCness and a bit angst~y!

Heero stared blankly at his reflection, fingering the black collar around his neck.  He hated himself, hated what he had become, a prisoner in the times of peace.  He remembered when Duo first put it on him, it was during the war.  A way for them to be together, under Duo's terms.

~*~*Flashback*~*~

"Duo?" Heero asked, panic evident in his voice.  He was bound tightly to the bed, blindfolded.  He did not like the fact that he was unaware of his surroundings.  He was taught never to let his guard down, to never let others use him.  But with Duo, with Duo he was willing to take the chance.  Maybe when the war was over, just maybe they could be happy.

"Shhh…" Duo muttered close to his ear, running his fingers down the soldiers' chest, before kissing him softly.  Heero had just begun to relax when he felt something settle around his throat.  Instinctively he began to struggle against the restraints until he felt a hand settle on the base of his stomach.  He knew who it was.

"What are you doing?" he asked, trying not to convey his fear.

"This," Duo said, snapping the collar against his skin before placing his hand back on Heero's stomach, "shows that you have submitted to me.  Shows that you will not be that perfect soldier with me.  I am the one who controls you, never the other way around."

"Why?" asked Heero, fighting back the tears he was taught not to shed.  He knew he would submit.  That he would give up control.  He would allow Duo to do whatever he desired.  But he hated himself for it.  He hated himself because he would do it all willingly.

He heard Duo sigh, "I don't want a repeat of my past relationships and I don't want to be hurt."  He felt Duo shift so that all of his weight rested on him.  "So I am going to be in control."

He cried silently as Duo did as he pleased.  It hurt to know that Duo thought he would hurt him like the others.  It hurt to know that Duo had others when this would be his first.  But the one thing that hurt the most was that he loved Duo.  Heero loved Duo so much, but he knew Duo would not love him.  He never could, and because of that, he hated himself and cried silently into the night.

~*~*End Flashback*~*~

Heero moved his hand from his throat to the mirror, outlining the reflection of his collar.  He closed his eyes.

"I still love him," he admitted in a whisper, "dammit, I still love him!"  With that, he slammed his fist into the glass, shattering it.  He watched as the pieces fell, ignoring the pain in his hand, then turned to what remained of the mirror and started at himself miserably.  He was pathetic.  Savior of the world and colonies two times over and he could not even stand up to Duo.  Maybe he deserved his situation, maybe he deserved all the pain and confusion he felt.

He heard the door of their apartment open and knew Duo was home.

"Heero!" he heard Duo call.

"In a minute," he answered before thinking, then, cringed.  He knew Duo would come into the room.  Duo liked to see Heero first thing right after work.  True as his thought, he caught site of Duo entering the room through the remains of the mirror.  He saw Duo frown.  He held his breath, what would Duo's reaction be? Anger? He watched apprehensively as Duo moved closer.

"Heero, let me see your hand, please?" Duo asked kindly.

Heero blinked at the tenderness he heard in Duo's voice before, hesitantly, holding his hand out for Duo to see.

"Oh man, Heero, this looks bad," standing up, he dragged him into the bathroom so he could personally tend to the wound.  When he was done, he followed Heero back into the bedroom.

"Thank you," Heero said, moving to clean up the glass.

"Don't worry about it, I'll clean it up," Duo said, pulling out a small vacuum from the closet.

"Shall I start dinner then?"  Heero asked, wondering if something happened.

"No Heero," Duo said calmly, "sit down, we need to talk."

Panicking slightly, Heero sat on the edge of the bed, hugging his knees as he watched Duo clean.  Obviously, he would ask what happened but, there was something more.  To Heero, Duo's tone was too serious, meaning Duo wanted to leave him or something equally as painful.  Heero really did not want to stay and talk but, there was no choice, he was bound by the collar.  And he knew not to hope for anything, it was too painful.

Duo completed his task in silence, watching Heero out of the corner of his eye.  Something was wrong.  True, something had been wrong with Heero since their relationship first started, but at the time, he thought it was because of the war.  However, when the war ended, Heero just seemed to be getting worse.  He lost too much weight, it was to a point where it affected his health, drastically.  Almost as if he had nothing to live for now that his job was done.  That thought hurt Duo more than he would admit because he loved Heero.

Heero knew he was on the verge of becoming seriously ill.  One thing prevented him from allowing that to happen.  Duo.  Duo would get angry, mad, and disappointed in him and that was something that he did not want to happen.  He would do whatever it took to stay with the man he still loved. 

When Duo finished, he walked out of the room to deposit the glass in the trash and put away the cleaning supplies.  Returning, he too sat on the edge of the bed, next to Heero.  Taking his hands, he waited for Heero to look at him.

"What's wrong, love?" he asked, tenderly, looking deeply into his eyes, searching.

"Nothing," Heero said, trying to avoid the gaze.

"NOTHING?!" Duo practically screamed, standing abruptly.  "Nothing made you smash the mirror?  Nothing made your hand bleed?  Nothing is causing your health and weight to deteriorate?  And I suppose NOTHING is the reason I worry everyday whether or not you will still be here when I return?  Whether or not you are in the hospital or worse?  That you died?"  By now, Duo was shouting while he paced.  Heero flinched at the tone of his voice and Duo seemed to notice this.  Sighing, Duo flopped onto the bed.  Reaching up, he pulled Heero onto him, in a comfortable position.  

Resting his head on Duo's chest, Heero placed his hand on Duo's stomach before relaxing completely in Duo's embrace.  It had been far too long since Duo held him like this.  

Duo, for his part, seemed to notice the change in Heero's body language.  He also realized it had been a long time since he had show Heero any type of affection other than sex.

"Please tell me what is wrong," he asked again, pleading this time, "I can't live knowing you are hurting.  I will try and make everything better.  I promise."

Heero sighed, it had been too long since he last heard tender words spill from Duo's mouth.  In this moment, he was content and he did not want that feeling to end but, he knew Duo was expecting an answer.  Relaxing further into Duo's embrace he hesitated a moment before speaking.  Unsure if he was willing to admit his fear and self-hatred to the one he loved.

"In this moment, nothing is wrong," he said truthfully.

Duo was touched by his words but was determined to find out what caused his love so much pain over the years.  Years he was forced to watch, unable to help.

"What was wrong earlier then?" he asked.

Heero bit his lip, thinking of what to say.  Finally, he decided that telling the truth would be the best thing to do.  Reluctantly, he pulled away from the embrace and sat cross-legged in the middle of the bed, next to Duo's sprawled figure.  Looking anywhere but at Duo, he began talking.

"Remember our first time?" Heero asked, eyes tracking the design engraved around the mirror he broke only moments before.

"Yeah," Duo said, shifting to his side so that he could face Heero.

"That was when you first put this collar on me," he continued, as he snapped the cloth against his throat.  Duo's eyes traveled regretfully to the band, a symbol of bondage, something he had tried to free his love from, bondage to the war.  "You never knew how I felt about you.  How I felt about this," he said, pointing to his neck.  Duo opened his mouth to talk, but Heero continued on, oblivious to the action.  "I wanted to hate you.  I didn't want to be controlled.  I grew up never giving ANYONE that satisfaction.  But I couldn't.  I tried to lie to myself and ignore it; but it grew into self-hatred.  I hate myself for being where I am.  It's all because, because…because I LOVE you."

Duo watched him talk, watched as self-hatred filled him.  And he continued watching when he realized that Heero had given him his life, his heart, his soul, his whole being, and he had ruined it.  He ruined it by taking away the one thing that Heero had managed to keep through his training.  He took away his free will to love as he wanted, binding the boy to him with one stupid collar.  He watched as Heero sobbed silently, determined not to look at him until his tears had stopped.

"I'm sorry," Duo said, sitting up.

"Whaa…?" Heero asked, looking up surprised, tears still falling.

"I'm sorry," Duo repeated, reaching out to pull Heero closer to him, needing to touch him before saying what he was about to.  After hugging Heero to his hearts content, he pulled away, pausing to wipe away the last of Heero's tears.  "I want you to know that I NEVER wanted to control you or make you feel that way.  I too loved you, but I was afraid.  I told you about my past, so you understand my fear but it was still no reason to treat you the way I did.  For that, I am sorry."  With that, Duo reached out and removed the collar.  Heero stared at him shocked, before a trembling hand went up, as if to verify physically what he saw with his own eyes.  He looked at Duo.

"You will never have to wear this again, that I promise you," Duo said, finally able to get Heero to look him in the eyes.  "If you choose, you can leave and try to redirect your life, but," he paused to hold Heero's hands in his own, "I ASK you to stay with me, please?  I love you too much."

"Oh Duo," Heero said, lunging into his arms, safe in the embrace once more, "I could never leave you, even if you told me to.  I love you."  Tears of joy this time, evident in his eyes.

Duo reached up to entangle one of his hands in the hair on the back of Heero's head, the other drawing  their bodies closer together as he pulled his love down for a gentle heart-warming kiss.

"Thank you, Duo," Heero said when they pulled apart.

Duo opened his eyes to look at him, "for what?"

"For caring," came the reply.

"There is no reason for thanks, I love you," he responded.  Then pushed Heero backwards until he was towering over him, lying on the bed, "now let me show you just how much I love you."

For the first time in his life, Heero smiled, a genuine smile, one of pure happiness.

"I will love you forever," he whispered.

"And I will love you longer," Duo promised, beginning his sweet exploration of Heero's body, as if loving him for the first time.

~*~*Later*~*~

Heero lay curled up next to Duo, for once enjoying their situation.  Duo mumbled something in his dozing state of mind and reached out to pull Heero closer.  He allowed it, even smiled to himself.  Looking at his left hand he felt a wave of joy overcome him.  He was bound once again but this time, as an equal.

~*~*Flashback*~*~

"Heero," Duo said, pulling away, just out of kissing range, "before we continue there is something I want to ask you."

"What is it, love?" he asked.  Duo smiled at the endearment.

"I want to be with you forever," he began.

"As do I," Heero interrupted.  

"…I want you to bind yourself to me," he continued, noticing Heero's frown at his choice of words, "but as an equal, as the one I love."

Heero smiled softly, "that is something I will have no regrets doing."

Duo smiled, "then will you wear this?"  He held up another circle, a lot smaller and shinier than the collar.

Heero's eyes lit up when he saw it, struck speechless.  Duo made a silent vow to himself that he would do his best to keep that new sparkle of life, alive in his love's eyes.

"Of course," Heero managed to answer as Duo slid the ring on.  It looked like a wedding band with a simple design carved on the surface.  To Heero however, it was the best thing that he ever received, a future of love and understanding between them.

"I love you, you know," he said.

"I know," Duo replied, "and I love you and will never tire of it."

~*~*End Flashback*~*~

"Why are you so happy?" Duo asked sleepily, enjoying the warmth radiating off his love.

"Just because," he said, turning to his love, resting comfortably in his arms.  Duo buried his face in Heero's hair, smiling.  When Heero was happy, so was he.  Duo began to rub his back gently as he began drifting off to sleep.

"Go to sleep, I'll protect you," Duo said.

"I know, s'why I love you," Heero mumbled, close to sleep.  Duo continued to rub his back, long after his breathing fell into the rhythmic pattern of sleep.

"I will forever love you, never forget that my beloved," he vowed, "always and forever.  You were lost once, that will never happen again, I will always find you and you will forever be found in my heart."  With that, he closed his eyes to join his small lover in the land of dreams.

~Orwai~

//.^   Kenji Katan


End file.
